ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Same post same
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect