I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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[eats all your cotton candy]
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Air conditioning – not a fan
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐