It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
rise and shine we got egg
44.65
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44.87*click*
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45.01~ gas pumps