No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Guy who likes music
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.