Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I’m confused about plants
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.