I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.