Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
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Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Hit me in the face with a bird
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
They got a point!
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese