When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
You Might Also Like
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
From Facebook just now…
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My favorite female superhero
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I think this should do it.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.