NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.