Meow
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy