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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.