My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
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Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake