REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
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I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo