You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.