Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“TGIM!” – My liver
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up