Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
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The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My neck, my back, my…
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Warm pools make me nervous.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you