12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
You Might Also Like
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is