I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
You deplete me
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.