It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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Peter Parker Peter Driver
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“I wouldn’t.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool