These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
You Might Also Like
Cashiers are always checking me out
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Bloody internet 😳
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.