I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
You Might Also Like
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.