The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I’m awake but I object,
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me