Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Every work meeting this week
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani