Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
You Might Also Like
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!