Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
real
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
So inspired right now.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”