Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Finally
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”