I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x