My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
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[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
A roof is a house hat.