I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant