[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Sign at work today
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.