20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.