Found a free bandaid at the pool.
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never