My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
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Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat