centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Name another movie that mislead you?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
So we got a goldfish…
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.