Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Buck naked
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee