[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.