Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it