ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
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i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else