me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭