– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
You Might Also Like
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird