Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Are we there yet?…
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying