Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation