“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Go hard or stay average
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!