Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor