I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Simple
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?