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5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
barbara was highly relatable
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play