Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
You Might Also Like
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Finally!
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?