ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
You Might Also Like
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?