No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
why would tinder want me to say this
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
at ease…shoulder.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
🙂🙃🥹
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.