I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
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Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.